That empty artistic shell

Where happiness runs deep

2011-10-19T01:50:00.001+08:00

I'm trying so hard to be happy.

To be happy for you and for him.

To be selfless.

To let myself go of my own reservations and inhibitions.

To let go of the need for approval.

To know that I can be happy with who I am.

I am trying so hard to love,

To love what I do

To do what I love.

And it's tough

Because loving was never easy

And being happy was never a state.

I want to be a wallflower sometimes

2011-09-18T14:05:00.002+08:00

I was gonna post something about mothers, and the different mothers I've seen this past week, but I decided to put it on hold because I became too engrossed in a book - "The Perks of Being a Wallflower."

I like the book because of its unconventionality, that is, the persona speaks to the reader as if it were the unknown distant friend who just happens to be a good listener. And I like it that way because there is some sense of connection with the book and me, and I really can't explain it better than how I actually feel it. But anyway, the book is so overpowering that it has forced me to read it while walking (in my defense, I just wanted at least one letter at a time! It's that good!) and has allowed me to actually abandon my weekend plans of partying and studying just to finish it.

Oh, this is not a book review, by the way.

I finished it today (a Sunday), but I did intend to finish it last night. Just that, I stumbled upon a chapter ender, which incidentally stopped me from reading.

It goes, "I wish I could stop being in love with Sam. I really do."

And it hits right down to my core for some weird reason. The book is profoundly beautiful, especially when it starts talking about love and friendship, but it wasn't until that part when I finally felt the connection with the book. I wish I could explain it the exact same way on how I feel it, but I couldn't. Words aren't just enough.

A lot of things aren't just enough. It's so paradoxical how I feel like I'm in a box, how limited my actions are, how I have boundaries - when in technicality, there is no such thing. There aren't parameters, and there's no limit. I'm working around some kind of an illusion that when it breaks, when the illusions stop serving its purpose, the truth comes flooding in and there's nothing I can do about it.

I hate this. I just want it to stop. Stop everything. Stop the confusion. Just. Stop. Stop. Make it stop. Please.

Spiraling down

2011-09-18T13:39:00.005+08:00

I've been feeling off these past few days. I guess it all started last Thursday, when I went to school and did not understand anything from any of my classes. I ranted off and blamed my teachers, but deep down, I also knew I had some shortcomings. I didn't give the same level of effort as I should, which disturbs me because this isn't usually me.

Then I went off to dinner with some of my friends, and I got into the same ramblings of how horrible I felt the whole day, and for some unknown reason, the topic shifted to me and how I would actually make a good pediatrician.

I laughed it off because the idea was absurd, because the idea meant that I'd have to shift, and learn more science, and go to medschool, and basically, trail away from the path I've made for two years now... which is just absurd. Well, at least for me it is.

But for them it wasn't. They started arguing that I was good at taking care of people, plus I liked children in a very fond and motherly way, and that was an important prerequisite for being a pedia. And I would have argued more, except that I resigned to the idea of me being motherly as a good thing.

Which goes back to my feeling of emptiness, because while I actually like being motherly, I am so confused as to what to do with it. I have high regards and admiration for mothers because I know what it feels like to have a great one, and because I actually want to be one someday. Just that, should it be a career thing, or a simple family thing?

Put simply, I'm still confused what I want to do in life, career wise. All I know is that I want to be a great mom and wife and a happy, satisfied adult.

Although in a parallel universe, a different lifetime, I did say I want to be a doctor.

But I'm not there. I'm here, where accounting is a terrible thing to be accountable for and I just don't want to follow the law of physics anymore.

That day

2011-09-06T02:18:00.002+08:00

It's been a year since the last post, and it's an understatement to say a lot of things have changed. It's been a total turn. Or more like, total spins. Innumerable spins. Some made me lose my balance, made me lose focus on the world. Some made me fall, some gave me perspective. Blurred my sight but cleaned my vision.

And the tremendous intensity of change that a year can provide, fell into a day. Fell into today.

Waking up with traces of caffeine in my body, I felt actively tired. You know, how the mind resounds and screams every thought, yet the rest of my body just slugs off. I started the day panicking (at least in my head) how little I've studied, but I remained cool. You see, I'm positive. I even wrote in our room whiteboard, "Ma22 FTW!" With five smileys. Yes, I've got some happy math thoughts going. So I there I was, panicking, but chill. Or more like, bed-ridden.

Then I got up, and got hit by the thought that it was a floormates birthday! It's been going a while now, this tradition on a "sisterhood of a travelling birthday card", but I decided not to make it travel for this week. At least stationary on the bulletin board.

BUT I HAD NO CARD. Luckily, Aika got a spare, so I used it. And there. Card on the board.

Well, I'm usually shy around people. Especially if they've got every reason to judge me. In my case, I'm the disappearing, sophomore level head. Who's to say I'm not judge-able? Hahaha. Anyway, around an hour after posting it there, it got 4-5 write ups. Which is statistically bad, but okay na.

Then math. Math. Math. MATH. Even my service hours was full of math worries and math woes. Math in the afternoon. Math some more.

At 5pm, while studying the forever subject matter, I got a text from Cate.

I got accepted into ASLA X :)

Now I'm not gonna get started on this, because it will take me another composition before I can finish. But yes. There I was. Adrenaline rush all over the world tonight. And I felt so inspired for the midterms test. It felt like, I shouldn't really give up. ASLA was difficult, but I pulled through. I could do the same with math.

Except that one thing bothered me. *see post somewhere*

*End of story*

Actually, end of adrenaline. End of inspiration. End of being okay, because I think I just failed my 200 point exam. And it sucks. No. It... it doesn't even have a word.

I tried. I studied. But I guess I'm not just gifted enough. And this is the battle with AMF. You could study. You could pay your life's worth of blood and sweat, but could get to a dead end. Could get a mental block. As opposed to the naturally gifted ones, you pay big but gain little.

So on this day, I won big time. I won an opportunity of a lifetime. I won something I deeply deeply wanted. But I lost in a battle I've been fighting for 2 years now. I've never failed a midterms or finals test, simply because it's not an option. But I've made my mark today.

On the same day, I won and lost. I rejoiced and cried. I lived and died. I gave my heart, and it got injured. I feel like I'm being literally skinned. Ripped off of who I am. I used to be an academics girl; now, there isn't really such a thing for me. Soon, I may have nothing to hold on to.

Then there's that movie, three idiots, who speaks of a man so open to learning, that grades or prestige only come last. A man so humble, so humble to recognize that he doesn't know, and so he immerses himself in a place, in a chance to know more. A man so brilliant that he does not stop on knowing, but goes to applying them. A man who believes in excellence, because in chasing excellence, we fulfill our purpose, and success follows, pants down.

On this day, I won and lost. Maybe another day will come. Another day of the good and the bad. Yet somehow, it goes back to the very idea of disconnecting oneself from worldly ideas. The grades. The honor. I don't know though, how many more days like this will it take me before I stop crying and fumbling my way back. Maybe until college ends, or even after. I don't know.

But I know I'm learning better. And that I'm stronger than who I was before.

The good things in life do require effort and sacrifice. Maybe tears, maybe sweat too. Because then again, walang magandang bagay na hindi pinaghihirapan. :)

The Rules for being Human

2010-07-08T01:52:00.001+08:00

When you were born, you didn't come with an owner's manual; these guidelines make life work better.

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's the only thing you are sure to keep for the rest of your life.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called "Life on Planet Earth". Every person or incident is the Universal Teacher.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of experimentation. "Failures" are as much a part of the process as "success."

4. A lesson is repeated until learned. It is presented to you in various forms until you learn it -- then you can go on to the next lesson.

5. If you don't learn easy lessons, they get harder. External problems are a precise reflection of your internal state. When you clear inner obstructions, your outside world changes. Pain is how the universe gets your attention.

6. You will know you've learned a lesson when your actions change. Wisdom is practice. A little of something is better than a lot of nothing.

7. "There" is no better than "here". When your "there" becomes a "here" you will simply obtain another "there" that again looks better than "here."

8. Others are only mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another unless it reflects something you love or hate in yourself.

9. Your life is up to you. Life provides the canvas; you do the painting. Take charge of your life -- or someone else will.

10. You always get what you want. Your subconscious rightfully determines what energies, experiences, and people you attract -- therefore, the only foolproof way to know what you want is to see what you have. There are no victims, only students.

11. There is no right or wrong, but there are consequences. Moralizing doesn't help. Judgments only hold the patterns in place. Just do your best.

12. Your answers lie inside you. Children need guidance from others; as we mature, we trust our hearts, where the Laws of Spirit are written. You know more than you have heard or read or been told. All you need to do is to look, listen, and trust.

13. You will forget all this.

14. You can remember any time you wish.

(From the book "If Life is a Game, These are the Rules" by Cherie Carter-Scott)

31 things for May 31

2010-06-01T23:39:00.006+08:00

1. I finally figured what I want in life.

2. It started with one and ended with two. Not four.

3. I was freaking Kyle XY!

4. I slept in a closet full of pillows.

5. I blogged with a head empty of thoughts but a heart full of emotions.

6. I did something for the second time.

7. I did it with my heart exploding and my memories intact.

8. I did it because it was a dare.

9. I could do it even if I wasn't dared to do it.

10. I close my eyes and I can see it played over and over again.

11. I could confess everything in a matter of 12 words.

12. I am bad at betting.

13. I am bad with memories.

14. I hit my knee and it left an ugly scar. :(

15. I played Psychology with Vin. Hahaha.

16. How Close Can You Get with Gea will forever be close to my heart. ^^

17. Someday, I'm gonna ask Davin the answers to the questions he passed.

18. Migs, the dude from Saudi Arabia, is WINNER!

19. I missed Yana last night. :)

20. As much as I enjoyed being Kyle XY, a big part of me regrets it.

21. I drowned myself to be saved.

22. Then I realized I didn't wanted to be saved after all.

23. I saved myself from drowning.

24. In an effort to gain affection, I lost respect.

25. Someone snored.

26. Someone slipped.

27. Someone confessed.

28. Someone passed.

29. Someone whispered.

30. Sometimes, all we really want is laughter and love.

31. But sometimes, we realize that all we really need is to be listened to.

So utterly, completely, unbelievably, something.

2010-05-30T03:02:00.005+08:00

It's 2:39 in the morning.

And that's how my life has been going on for the past days. Checking the time, standing up, opening the refrigerator simply because I passed by it, sitting down in the computer, checking the time again and so on. If I am lucky, something interesting comes in the form of a red pop-up in Facebook. If not, well, I get my ass off the chair and dive into the couch and take a nap.

What an utterly, completely, unbelievably, dead lifestyle.

And I am complaining about it when its about to end anyway. Unusual. I should have complained about this earlier in May, when "bored" or "boring" sounded so foreign it didn't seem like a word in my vocabulary. But, no, I chose to complain about it when I'm about to get over it anyway.

What an utterly, completely, unbelievably, stupid thing to do.

It's depressing actually. I was kinda hoping things would start to go uphill or downhill from here. Either exciting or melancholic. Exhilarating or dramatic. But no. It's a stale state. Nothing. Is. Happening.

Sigh. If only I knew what I wanted, then at least I have something my mind could focus on. What's funny though is that I'm pretty sure that as June comes, I'd be praying for all things to slow down like what I have now. Talk about irony that figures itself.

It feels like there's a big wave of water about to flood my life, but the dam's too high and locked water can't get past it yet. Pressure's still building up. And here I am, wandering so idly in the city, unaware how dangerous life could get from here.

Oh yeah. I am unaware. And impatient right now. And bored. And so energized that the sight of my bed displeases me. I might be dead. Figuratively. And so is our refrigerator.

And oh, when June/Hell Time comes, I am so going to repost this, laugh my ass off and curse my damn being for wishing things would liven up.

3:01 am.

What an utterly, completely, unbelievably, unholy hour.

Blue moon

2010-05-27T23:29:00.004+08:00

I'm not meant to do crazy.

Shi*a. Hahahaha. Oh how I wish I was built to be more adventurous. Or at least, have a little bit more of stronger guts. Because, just when I thought I wanted crazy, I backed out.

But I guess I never really knew what I wanted today anyway.

I keep saying that nothing's wrong. Well, there isn't anything wrong. But something's not the way it used to be. It's not a problem. It's just... not traditional.

And I'm not the type who usually breaks traditions.

But something's really not normal. And sadly, for the first time, I'm not brave (and crazy) enough to face it.

Can someone please tell me why we aren't talking?

Oh wait. Opportunity doesn't present itself.

(Opportunity my ass)
:(

Ganito dapat ang lectures

2010-05-23T22:49:00.004+08:00

Marketing For Dummies
Galing sa Fb, trip ko lang i-share (:

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him!"
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say, "Hi. I'm very rich. Marry me!"
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie. You walk up to her and pour her a drunk. You open the door of the car for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride and then say, "By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich! Can you marry me?"
That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband.
That's Demand and Supply Gap.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person comes up and tells her, "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" Then she goes with him.
That's Competition Eating into your Market Share.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her but before you say "I'm rich. Marry me.", your wife arrives.
That's Restriction for Entering New Markets.

Odba? Hanep. In all fairness, kahit wala sa inyo ang nakatake ng Marketing classes, gets na gets agad. :P

greys anatomy finale

2010-05-22T00:15:00.003+08:00

i'm actually better now. a while ago, i was a wreck gud. kung mapapansin niyo, i don't care about formal english. i can't type properly. i keep erasing letters kasi mali-mali. and not to mention that my fingers are actually shaking. and my head is spinning so fast gud talaga.

why? grey's anatomy season six finale.

i'm at the first part pa gud, and i'm what the fck na. di ko na gud talaga kaya. it's violent. it's full of suspense. it's more horrifying that horror movies. and from the spoilers i've read, it will change the gameplan of greys anatomy. and these episodes will leave emotions to viewers that will last for months.

i will talk more coherent thoughts when i actually finish the season and when i get a grip of my head. for now, i'm just gonna share to you my overwhelmed screaming state after giving up on the first part of the finale, haha.

this is a message i sent to karina because karina's the only one i know na super updated din sa grey's.

OH MY GOD INA. I WOULD NOT TYPE GUD TALAGA IN ALL CAPS IF I WERENT THIS OVERWHELMED. PERO KA WTF OMG GUD TALAGA NG FINALE. HINDI KO PA NATAPOS. NASA PART 1 PA AKO. SHITA.

WATCH PLEASE. KAILANGAN KO GUD NG MAKAUSAP, HAHAHAHA. OR. PAG MAG WATCH KA, OH MY NA GUD TALAGA ANG MASABI KO FOR YOU. OH MY.

GREYS OH MY. SHONDA RHIMES IS SO GOOOOD. FREAKING. FREAKY.

BASTA INS. IM BETTING BEST EPISODES EVER. PROMISE. PERO. VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED GUD TALAGA. HAHAHA. VIOLENCE ALL OVER. PERO. AGHAHDFA;EIR;AJFJDJA!!! LOVE GREYS!!!

KA INCOHERENT NG AKING THOUGHTS. PARANG NAKA 5 STRAIGHT SHOTS AKO. PERO. SHITA. GREYS GUD TALAGA. ALWUEFLADFA!!!

kapathetic. haha. and to think, sa sobrang overflowing emotions, nakachat ko si ate breva and all we did was gush about the episode. i can't breathe gud talaga. literally.

so i'm gonna sleep.

i'm gonna talk about samal some time else. but for now.

greys anatomy rules my being.

A chase

2010-05-20T15:15:00.004+08:00

When you want something, as in really really want it so bad you would not let anything stop you, trust me, you'd get it.

It comes with a tons of sacrifice and will-power though. Not an easy task, but the passion is more than enough to get you to where you want to be.

I've had a few before; I might even talk about it in the next few days.

For now, I want to want something.

As in really really want it so bad I will figuratively kill and literally run for it.

So badly nothing can't stop me.

So passionately that it becomes the center of my world.

I want to be paranoid for something.

And get it in the end.

Without obsession, life is nothing.
John Walters

Naka-green

2010-05-19T19:17:00.008+08:00

Okay, so I went to RGMA this morning.

No, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a desperate hopeful. That makes me a real sucker for adventure. I wanted to do something out of the blue.

The interesting morning RGMA (Real-life Gaganess: Maria's Adventure) trip involved getting lost in Uyanguren, realizing that they transferred to Shrine Hills, riding a very, very, very noisy tricycle up to Shrine Hills, sitting inside the FM Booth, then walking many meters just to go back down.

My shoes got destroyed during the walking process, :(. A weird metal keeps coming out of the sole and I have to push it back or else the shoe will fall apart, haha.

Anyway, I stopped by Shrine (as in the holy place) because I felt like praying and passing by. After praying, I couldn't help myself: I went emo. Hahaha. So I chose a shaded bench under a big tree and laid back.

This was where the adventure hit its climax so I'm gonna go verbatim.

Me: *nakahiga, talking to myself* Ahhhh, silence. So beautiful.

Birds: *chirping*

Me: Ah, sound of nature. More beautiful. And clouds, ooh clouds.

Birds: *chirping becoming louder until they don't sound like chirping birds anymore*

Me: *WTF. Maingay. Naga-emo pa naman ako :(*

At this point, I noticed the sounds weren't really chirping. They were psst sounds by people I can't see.

Me: *Ignoring, trying to go back to Zen state*

PSSSST.

Me: *Ignoring*

PSSSSSSSSSSSSSST.

Me: *Lord, help. Diba Shrine to?*

PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST!!!

Me: OKAY THAT'S IT! I have to find a new emo spot! :(

So I started walking. The pssst-ing continued so I figured it would be useless to find a new bench. What's weird is that whenever I look behind me to find the source of the sound, I can't see anyone... I'm pretty sure the psst sounds were made by a guy though, not supernatural beings. Now that I recall, there were two guys sitting by the entrance when I entered...

I used the exit in front of Catalina's Garden and decided to go down. At this point, the PSSST-ing turned to PSSST-ing and clapping. O_O

Me: Kaingay uy...

PSSSSSSSSSST! *clap clap!* PSSSSSSSSSST!

Me: Hmmm, saan kaya ako nito? Hay. Ka pretty ng Shrine uy...

PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST!!! *CLAAAAAAP CLAAAAP* OOOOOOOOOOOOY!!!

Me: Okaaay. Sino man yang ginatawag niya uy?! Anyway, just walk faster, el.

PSSSSSSSSSSSST! NAKA GREEN!

Me: *Looks down* SHIT. I'M WEARING GREEN.

Me: WAAAAAAAALK FAAAAAAAAAASTERRRRRR!!!

I think I broke into a run anyway. And no, I didn't find a new emo spot. I went home directly.

So much for asking adventures. :))

Lost

2010-05-18T20:16:00.011+08:00

For the past few days, I have been buried in a deep, terrible, unforgettable nightmare. And I thought I could dig my way up, but sadly, I didn't.

I couldn't find my wallet. And I think I never will.

You can roll your eyes at me. Heck, I would love to mock my being drama queen over a sheer wallet. Sure, I can mope about it for a while, but I should have gotten over it quicker than this. People buy new wallets. People should let go and move on.

I shouldn't be an exception.

And I'm not. Just that, this is harder than I thought. I couldn't just move on when I have little hopes of finding it. That's one thing I've always known about me: I don't give up quite easily. If there's any way to get to what I want, I get down to business. Doesn't matter how difficult or humiliating it is.

When I got back home last Saturday, I logged in to Facebook and searched for Tanduay groups and started posting notes of desperation everywhere. It was past two in the morning when I sent personal messages to the administrators of Tanduay groups. I waited until past three am for replies, which was stupid because only desperate and insomniac people stay up at three, haha. No replies 'til four. I went to sleep.

Sunday, I realized I couldn't stay put and wait like an idiot. I decided to go to Market Basket and try my luck. When I got there, I talked to the security guards who thought I was pretty idealistic to find a wallet over an overwhelming scandalous crowd. But I tried anyway. I left them my contact number. No calls or texts until now.

When I came back after hearing mass, I got a reply from one of the administrators. She told me they tried looking for it and contacted RGMA for news, but they don't have information. She suggested I go to the office of RGMA and talk to them personally. She was sorry for my loss. And so was I.

I didn't go to RGMA. I couldn't get there without my parents getting suspicious. And no, I didn't tell them. I don't want to bother them with it. And yes, I don't want them to use this against me. I have lost silly things before, things like umbrellas and pillows. And that makes me careless in their eyes. What would losing a wallet make me look like then?

It's gone. My prized possession with lots of prized possessions inside it is gone. Truly gone. All hopes extinguished. I don't want to continue bothering people who don't care about it anyway. I just have to get past it and let it all go.

I want to scream at myself for being so stupid. I should have checked that wallet when Davin doubted I couldn't go home. Or I should have just carefully placed my wallet back inside my bag after buying Kuya a ticket. Or I shouldn't have just texted him about the concert in the first place. Or I shouldn't have placed all of the important things inside that wallet. I shouldn't have...

I swore to all gods I would give them anything they wanted so long as I get my wallet back. I prayed to St. Jude, patron of lost causes. But I wasn't a lost cause. I just happened to have a lost wallet. There wasn't a deal with anyone. It was just me.

I miss my wallet. And it's not just a wallet. It's a part of me. My memories are with that wallet. It was a witness, a reminder of who I've become over the past months; of how happy I have been. It was an inanimate companion that has ultimately animated my feelings.

And inside that wallet was a world, a world I have perfectly protected until it shattered into pieces. And in that world were words I couldn't live without. People I couldn't live without. An identity I couldn't live without. And a special connection I couldn't live without.

Then a thought struck me. If I lost my wallet and the handful treasures I couldn't live without, then why am I still here?

I know why. Those things aren't really treasures, they're just trashes. Trashes I put meaning into. And losing them just meant I threw them away. I just threw the clutter. But not the value I gave them. Never the life I breathed into them.

It's never about the tangible things we try to hold on to. It was always about the intangible memories we always want to immortalize, moments we carry for eternity.

And losing a sheer wallet doesn't change a thing about how we feel.

It just makes your feelings, your identity, your connection even more stronger.

Because these things are far greater than any sheer, lost wallet.

How to be happy

2010-05-18T12:47:00.003+08:00

Ask most people what they want out of life and the answer is simple - to be happy. Maybe it's this expectation though of wanting to be happy that just keeps us from ever getting there. Maybe the more we try to will ourselves to state's of bliss, the more confused we get - to the point where we don't recognize ourselves. Instead we just keep smiling - trying to be the happy people we wish we were. Until it eventually hits us, it's been there all along. Not in our dreams or our hopes but in the known, the comfortable, the familiar.
-Meredith Grey

F*ck

2010-05-16T02:37:00.003+08:00

I lost my wallet. And you know what it feels like? It feels like I lost a part of myself.

Nandun kasi lahat. May parte ako na ibinaon at tinago sa wallet na yun. And I vowed, I honestly and proudly vowed na hindi ko mawawala yun.

Puno yun ng sentimental stuff. But it's not just because I'm a girl and I do those crap... I go sentimental because I need reminders. Tangible memories. I tend to forget even the most memorable days that I needed to find things - from faded receipts to once-in-a-lifetime letter from Sir Simpao - to constantly remind me of how... how happy I am, and how great my life is. When things go down the drain, I am hoping to just get my wallet and feel alive again. I need things to hold on to.

And wala na. I don't know if I can still retrieve it... I have exhausted all means, all people, all hope. To all gods and goddesses of luck and love, please do something in my favor. Dear God, please, help me.

Pictures. Letters. Movie Tickets. Pancake house tray paper. Merco receipts. Plane boarding passes. AdMU nametag. AdDU ID. Note from Miss Mailah. Gift tag. Wallet.

I don't fucking care about the money. Kung sa magnanakaw ko yun nawala, lamunin niyo pera ko! Kung nahulog ko man yun at masamang tao nakapulot, bulsahin niyo na yung pera pero ibalik niyo lahat ng walang kwentang bagay dun. Kung organizers nakapulot, putang ina parang awa niyo na magreply kayo sa Facebook.

I need to find me.

After a while

2010-05-11T17:41:00.002+08:00

After a while, you learn the subtle difference

between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

and company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts

and presents aren't promises,

and you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up and your eyes open

with the gentleness of a woman not the grief of a child,

and you learn to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while, you learn

that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure,

that you really are strong,

and you really have worth,

and you learn and learn...

And learn.

Mental Conditioning

2010-05-07T00:54:00.009+08:00

I have a weird behavior. I do not to imagine the future.

It goes beyond usual norms because it is vital for a person to know how she would like the future to be. After all, imagination is the key. It is agreeable that anything existing in this world all began with a spark in the mind, a mere picture, an imagination.

And more importantly, the future we project is not just any future. It is our future. Hence, this future of ours must be carefully planned out so that we meet the kind of living we dream of. So people imagine what tomorrow might be, hoping that the outcome would be how we sketched it in our heads.

I have clearly no problem with this thinking, but I do not follow it though. It's not that I have no ambitions and plans. I do. And hopes, I have those too. But I just cannot bring myself to imagine any more of my future. I sometimes do, but I force myself to stop.

Here's a secret: I have always had the weirdest hunch that whenever I imagine something, the reality wouldn't be as good. So, what I do is imagine less and think negatively. I guess that's where the little optimism I have left disappears. I have had experiences in the past that support my obscure hypotheses, and I cannot just ignore it. So when I try thinking negatively, more positivity comes in reality.

Maybe it's just a type of mental conditioning that I make. By thinking of the least favorable outcome, I become more open to all sorts of possibilities. It's harder to accept failure if all you've imagined is success. What I do is that I prepare myself for the worst, so that when worst does come in, well at least, it's not as heartbreaking as assuming the best.

Maybe that's the reason why I am leaned to martyrdom. I constantly think I am ready to let anything precious go - even if it aches me - simply because I want to prepare myself for the pain. This enables me to accept the reality of losing and failure when it does come. It allows me to embrace a non-utopian existence. I kill ambitious empty hopes without being pessimistic. It's just mental conditioning.

With the very important things, I do not imagine. I think bad. I talk crap about martyrdom and letting go. Maybe because if I don't imagine future to be really good, reality will become so much better.

After all, how great my life is right now was never really painted in detail in my mind.

Summer Sunshine

2010-05-04T10:30:00.004+08:00

I've been meaning to write since Summer began, but I never accomplished my goal since I always lack personal drive, witty thinking and an interesting life story. I am back to my sleep-hogging, aimless internet surfing, mind degrading lifestyle and I do not want to rant about it day by day. And it's not like I'm having the most unforgettable summer so far. Even the Manila trip (and perhaps the ONLY trip I will ever have this summer) I had early April was barely enjoyable, except for a few highlights.

In other words, I do not want to escape boredom by realizing how boring my life is...

Oh my god -- did I just say I'm bored?! Yipee, I'm bored! After the hassling, stressful, and terrorizing high school years (must stop the exaggeration), I am finally... bored.

I have always been so caught up with deadlines and pressures I have never felt the tension leave me. Even after I graduated, I still had to work for post-BK things. There was a magazine to layout and publish, a seminar to organize, applicants to take care of, liquidation to complete, a moderator to send-off, and things in between. I didn't mind it, except for the sleep deprivation I get. Anyway, it is always better to be busy, and productive.

See. Being unproductive is the only thing I hate about being bored. The guilt of seeing time pass away without due justice is unbearable. I will be forced to spend the rest of my life regretting wasting precious moments. So, I hate it. As much as I like the free time, I hate being bored for no particular reason with no particular endpoint.

But for the record, I did do some productive stuff ever since I got back to Davao. Let me then share a few because that would be better than ranting some more.

10. Blue Knight - Enough said about that. But oh, did I mention that BK Seminar-Workshop was the primary reason why I found the want to go back to blogging?

9. Medical Exam - But I didn't finish it yet. I still have to get chicken pox shots. Tetanus, I finished, but with extra cost. Couldn't raise my arm for a day. :\

8. Clean Mail - All the 500 unread messages are now clear and my folders are well organized, thank you.

7. Papa's Table - I finished Rene Lizada's book! Damn, such a good writer with such great talent. Wish I had a share of his genius genes, haha. Okay, must return the book to Matt...

6. Caught up with Grey's and Glee - Grey's will always be my favorite, and Glee is showing so much potential.

5. Shrek! - With my goal of ensuring a good future with movies, I have decided to cover those which I missed... and Shrek is first on the list. :D

4. Birthday Suprise! - Well, yes, it is advanced. And yes, Cagayan and Samal were such failures. But at least, we got to celebrate it while we are still *complete*. Oh face in the cake. :D

3. Of wasted nights, dizzy heads, and catwalks - Thank you. =)) And yes, this is an accomplishment, not a waste of time!

2. I am making a lot of progress with late night conversations and deepening friendships and treasuring relationships.

1. Tatay Everything! - Finally, all the work has pulled off. Dearest Tatay, thanks for being a Tatay in the first place. :)

Pero for every item in the list, there are 2-3 related unaccomplished task. But that is something I don't want to think of now. Hey, it's still summer after all.

No pressures, kiddo.

Coffee

2010-04-10T18:52:00.004+08:00

I'm scared.

But it doesn't mean I don't have faith. Or hope. Or trust.

I'm just scared.

And I'm sorry I didn't see how my fears hurt you.

I am scared.

But I know I will fight, if fight is necessary. And I will protect the dream I built, and not let it dwindle down as though it doesn't have any foundation. I won't let go as easily as I say it.

I'm clearly talking to myself. =))

Better than nothing

2010-04-10T18:39:00.001+08:00

Because I'm bored to death, I might as well make a check-list of what I have to do once I get back to Davao.

Write goodbye letter to UP. =))
Write letter to OAA Director. (Bye TF)
Write letter to Fr. Pabayo (PLEASE MAKE THE MAG COLORED! :))
Dental and medical record
Update iPod
Dentist
Find something to do over the summer, srsly.
Reconnect with Grey's [looove. i missed you.]
Extreme laags. HAHAHA.
BK, oh. Right.
Find a laptop model. Help? Anyone?

Like someone still reads this forsaken blog. Hahaha.

Nakauwi na lang sina Patty at Davin sa Davao, nandito pa rin ako. :))

giggles.

2009-12-11T23:55:00.003+08:00

cheers in a corner for xavier's wonderful performance in sayawit elims. hihihi. (more discussion on that tomorrow, live)

laughs in one corner because i made you flinch like hell.

jeers in the other corner because you literally sat on me. O.O

and giggles in a corner to a question i did not answer properly.

mehehehe. wth.

MONOLOGUE

2009-11-10T22:03:00.002+08:00

disclaimer: dahil may isang bagay na naganap... ako'y napilitang magsulat dahil kung hindi, sasabog ako sa harap ng maraming tao. at well, nakakahiya. ew. hahah.

==========================================

yan kasi, sa susunod, kung feel mo mag "travel down memory lane" and assume na meron ngang memory lane, make sure hindi ka mapalaw!!! =)). loser! kasi you know what elly just did? nag hanap siya ng mga past issues/blogs/entries basta archives na akala niya makapakilig lalo sa kanya... kasi feel niya daw mag "love trip". da, gaba. =)))). you know what she found?

"friends lang kasi talaga kami".

amp. hahahahah!!! BUGO-A KO UY. =)). tanga talagaaaaaaa. aaahhhuuuuggghhh. =)). natatawa ako sa sarili ko na naiinis at the same time. gets niyo yung feeling? =)). i'm so gonna kill myself!!! hahahaha. tanga. bugo. tanga. bugo. kaya nga naman, sinasabi ko, for a smart person, i am pretty dumb. diba? :)).

the problem of assuming is that it is all but an assumption. DUH. hahaha. and the problem of not seeing that problem is you think there's a possibility of REMOVING the assumption part. NEXT TIME KASI... wag na mag travel down memory lane KUNG WALA NAMANG MEMORY LANE. =)).

tanga. hahahaha.

hindi ako makaget-over.

bugo talaga. augh. what an utter waste of time. i could have reminisced of something else.

hay. pag nabobo nga naman. =))

======================

for the record. masaya. =))))))))

if you need to crash and burn, then crash and burn.

2009-10-14T23:55:00.010+08:00

i got into thinking; how some things matter more than others. how i realized that my life was not really about my grades, but about the people, my people. how the person that i am is truly defined by those who surround me, and in turn, i do love the most. how blessed i really am despite the shitness i went through over the past few days.

last friday, i f*cking lost in a math contest. and no, i'm not usually bitter. it's just that, when you lose the opportunity of winning second and consequently, the opportunity of actually qualifying for the regionals, you can't help but feel frustrated. especially when it's your own fault. and you've got no one else to blame. i mean, where on earth could you find a log 0? i think it's okay to be stupid, but it's not fine when you be stupid in the most important events of your life. i have been competing for this contest for what, 3, 4... 5 years? and honestly, i didn't mind being in the shadow of salubre or some math person -- until now. why? because i wanted to experience something new. i wanted to challenge myself. and that part failed. and because... oh, that's for me to know and you to not know. :)

and on that same f*cking day, i received a f*cking bad news. and when i mean bad, i mean it. it's bad enough that you lose an opportunity, but trust me, it's nothing when the opportunity itself is taken away from you; grabbed as if you never had the right to participate to begin with. it doesn't feel right because i know - and they know - i did not deserve that. we did not deserve that maltreatment.

you people are so inefficient, or purposely inefficient because you are biased. but either way, it doesn't change the fact that you are the faulty ones. and yes, call me bitter or angry, but at least this one is not on me. this one's on you. you're the one who's unfair. i don't want to curse you or something, but i swear we will rise from this. i know we won't stop doing well just because of you.

ladies and gentlemen, my personal burden of proof.

and then, there's exam week. which is totally cool with me because i already know my fate. God bless my poor performance. but i do not regret any of my answers... i guess. i did my best, and if my best wasn't good enough, then you are not good enough for me either. haha. but seriously, if there was one thing i learned from all the exams, and all the questions i left uncertain and unanswered, it was the fact that we do not really know everything, and sometimes, we should just let go and let God.

in time, i will learn what is the term used for making visions a reality.

or why some people are just so inefficient.

or why some math problems stick to being a problem.

because whatever happens, happens. and whatever will come, will come. i guess we just have to embrace that uncertainty and whatever that comes with and after it. the thrill of the ride makes all difference. but while everything in the future is so abstract, i might as well dwell in the present...

because right now - i don't know how or why - but i feel happy. not ecstatic-excited-joyful... just happy. na feel niyo na yun? that certain overflowing positivity that runs from the tips of your hair to the depths of your soul? that certain contentment that erases whatever it is that you fee you lack. that calm tone in your head that lets you express those untold emotions. that certain energy that makes the imperfect... perfectly imperfect.

and i know this one's not just because i'm elly, or because i'm weird, or because i'm crazy. i've got the feeling that this is all because of you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you and you and you... you, who have, in some way or another, inspired me. and all i want to say is that i do not want to make a litany because i have to learn how to be concise. but really, if i had to say one thing, that would be thank you.

thank you.*

i got into thinking how tonight was a good good night.

contrast of colors

2009-09-16T21:56:00.003+08:00

you make me feel brand new. ha. ha. ha. pero nga naman, ewan bakit. parang, gusto kong itanong yung bakit pero wala namang sagot. or pwede rin itanong yung bakit, kasi obvious naman kung bakit, pero yung nga, what difference does the answer make?

samantalang ikaw. you think i don't see nor feel, but i do. please lang. over na ako. minsan, wala naman talagang issue. pero nakayayamot lang kasi ung iilang moments na parang, okay, heto na naman tayo sa cycle na parang menstruation. alam na alam ko yung bakit, di ko lang masabi. kaya, pwede wag na lang? kapoy kasi. makasira ng good vibes.

adik ako sa mandy moore songs these days. maka miss yung 1999-2004 na mga movies na romantic feel good ang genre. life felt simpler those days. yes, i do appreciate the leap in cinematography, video effects and editing, pero... at least the plot isn't compromised. dba? ang romantic movie lang na naenjoy ko this generation is.. enchanted. HAHA.

share ko lang.

In places no one will find.

opening old boxes.

2009-08-17T05:52:00.002+08:00

[Third year. :))]

When I am but a failure, and in shame I dwell

With no one to share the pain; left weeping in the dark

And God turns a deaf ear: my prayers are to no avail

Life is but an unbearable curse I wish to end

Wishing for an enlightened perspective: undoubting

Wishing for gold and laugher: endless euphoria

Wishing for stunning success at my reach: brilliance

For I find no meaning in who I am

But with the thought of you: I stop

The tears run dry; new warmth envelops me

And like that of the stars in the night

I break free: despite darkness, despite misery

With the thought of you: I live

My soul finds its way back to life.

I will not exchange my rags for the Queen’s riches

For hers is ephemeral, and you are my eternity

the prayer

2009-07-17T06:17:00.004+08:00

mrs. zafra's six-year old daughter ezra said a little prayer for me. :)

ezra: Lord, sana Ate Elly will get a 99 in her score. Tapos the others, two lang.
mrs. zafra: Wag naman anak. Kahit four lang...
ezra: No Mommy, two lang talaga...
ezra: And sana Lord, si Ate Elly lang yung bright. Yung iba, hindi...
mrs zafra: Lord, sorry talaga...

hahahahaha, ka cute nia as a kid.

but oh sometimes, it's the innocence i miss...

sir simpao and the horrible horrifying horror.

2009-06-30T21:04:00.006+08:00

this conversation was between me and sir simpao. as you read along, please picture him in your mind... you know, the usual way he expresses and emphasizes each word as if it's a real monster he's facing...

sir simpao: your scores in math were horrible. (makita niyo face nia na "horrible" ang expression? heheh.)

elly: what scores? quiz scores?

sir simpao: i think 2nd or 3rd quiz.

elly: *bad words kay ning sir*

elly: OH. right. haha.

sir simpao: they were horrible.

elly: yeah, haha. stop pinning us down.

sir simpao: i'm not pinning you down. i'm just saying it's horrible so that you can do better next time.

elly: LOOOOL. how do you know, btw?

sir simpao: i'm good friends with miss ramos. i was beside her when i was checking it. the lowest score i saw was just 1 digit -- and that's a horrible score.

elly: *lagi na uy. pagka. :))*

elly: hmmm, maybe you can tell her to give your style of quizzes.

sir simpao: what? essays in math? HAHAHA.

things to ponder on:

sir simpao just said horrible four times. how horrible.
math and essays can come together. srsly. it's not a bad idea.
i don't think essays in math can be as horrible as losing two points for a true or false question...
math isn't horrible. she just makes it what it is.
mike is good friends with anferrr. NOW THAT'S HORRIBLE. :)) [unless mahawaan ng kagandahang loob at kahusayan si anfer sa... hehehe]

news report

2009-06-29T20:54:00.001+08:00

sa gitna ng delubyo ng pinagsabay na math at physics long test, at sa walang humpay na pag-arangkada ng aking blue knight articles... na lahat ay nakatambak pa pala sa aking isipang tinataya na, nais ko lamang sabihin na...

ako ay hindi marunong tumanggi sa pagkain. :))

agree?

breakdown.

2009-06-28T23:46:00.006+08:00

because i cannot get myself to write.

it's like. the world's slipping past you. and the words are floating around your head. the idea's there, but the heart isn't. and as much as you want to get it done, the emotions are playing around.

no. it's not nothing. there can never be such a thing called nothing. it always has to be something. anything. may even be everything. problem is... i don't know what it is.

must there always be a need to name everything? must this thing i have, this thing i feel, have a label? can't it go unnamed so that i could just proceed?

this is my problem... all the time. i get stuck. in places i could always, always just move past at. i have something, i don't know what it is, and i beg the world to stop because everyone has to wait for me.

and i'm sick and tired of asking why this happens and never getting any answer back. i'm so full of being optimistic, knowing there's an answer somewhere... i'm so tired of feeling stuck and wondering when will i get this over with... because i know sometime in the future, i will get stuck again. tired again. then do some stunt of happiness and forget this whole thing ever happened.

wanna know why i cram? it's not because i love it. you think it's because there's a rush? one cannot do away with that, yes, it feels nice to be adventurous sometimes. but you think i love producing mediocre, rushed work? you think it's nice passing a piece of paper knowing deep down you could do so much better; when you know you could give so much more had you had the time, had you had the chance? then let me tell you. it's not. it feels self-defeating. it makes me feel almost worthless. because, no, it's not "stupid" not getting past a feeling you don't have a name for. it's "irrational".

and you know i hate being "irrational" when everything in this world has a reason, has an explanation -- but me.

have you ever gotten tired of a cycle? i hope you can feel me.

my piggy-back ride home.

2009-06-26T22:27:00.003+08:00

1. ~~math take home quiz.~~ [kulang na lang ang tasks ni ina and sophie, then printaway]

2. math chapter test.

3. ~~PE tasking.~~

4. speech groupwork.

5. filipino script and banghay.

6. english composition.

7. ~~upcat/acet reviews.~~

8. physics LT.

9. physics make up quiz (conversion)

10. scires problem.

11. debate. er, wala pa tayo nag-meeting mga koya! haha!

12. blue knight column.

13. blue knight editorial.

14. blue knight news articles.

15. blue knight film for orgfair.

16. blue knight updates.

17. watch transformers 2.

18. love myself.

wanna give me a piggy-back ride home? :))

where do you draw the line?

2009-06-02T00:49:00.005+08:00

ESSAY. SHIT YOU. :))

-------

disclaimer: naghahalungkat ako kanina ng mga chorvs sa computer, and guess what i found. another. epic. FAIL. and as usual, hindi ko na naman alam bakit, saan, kailan at... paano ko nasulat ang mga ganyang sabog na linya. oo, akin yan. napakababae ng tono, hindi yan sa kuya ko. :)) (alangan namang sa mama ko, dba? imagine my horror if it were so. wahahaha)

trip kong ipost dahil... it makes me feel better. kunwari, MAY NA ACCOMPLISH NA AKO NA ESSAY!!! [kasi walang progress yung kay father pabs.] kahit dito na lang sa blog, dapat merong empowered feeling. para naman mabuhayan ako ng loob. :))

------

where do you draw the line...

between holding on and letting go? how does one know if there's something coming up, or if it's about time to let go? until where does the river flow? how do i know if you'll drift away? if today, i feel as though you are right next to me, will it change tomorrow? and if not, should i move past you? leave you, forget you?

where do you draw the line between false hope and mere faith? how do i know you are worth the wait? and how do i know if i'll get better, or if i'm better now? how do i know there's a reason when i don't even know why i'm here standing?

and where is the line between obsession and love? how do i know if you make me alive, or if it's just the thought of you that does? where is the line between thinking and feeling, between illusion and reality, between love and another false alarm? how do i know if it's not just your smile that makes me smile back? how do i know if this is true? where is the line that determines forever?

how do i know you're the one?

because you've got to tell me. because i have to stop running back, hoping that you'll be there waiting for me. i have to stop looking, searching for a you -- that maybe wasn't even real to begin with. and i have to stop believing that someday, we'd walk together with my hand in yours, caring about nothing but just you and me...

because i don't want to regret making the same mistake of letting that one in a lifetime you... go away. i let you slip once, i can't repeat that.

because what if you are forever? what if you do make me alive? what if you are real?

what if you are the line that determines me?

where is my freaking line?

-------

speaking of lines, did you know that a segment is ALWAYS, and WILL ALWAYS be longer than a line? mwahahaha! go figure.

------

ESSAY. SHIT YOU ULIT. :))

stupid chairs.

2009-05-02T15:46:00.003+08:00

Oh, like a picture on the wall,
Should have known that I was bound to fall.

this is the reason why you shouldn't -----...
i don't have a grip on myself...
when i fall, i give it all.

oh i am damned.

laag - where you can, when you can.

2009-04-12T00:48:00.004+08:00

gi-mingaw nako mag bisaya!!! :]].

mao na lagi ni ba. way future kay ning pam.

katulgon nako. kapuuuuy kaayo pangitag blog skin, ug pag-ayos-ayos.

basta. ni-adto mig MoA. dapat mag makati, pero kapoy. ug init. daaaghaaan kayg tao pam, murag human na ang holy week. :)).

no one interesting was in sight. saaaaaad.

pero shet. mag luneta dapat kami (ewan ano trip ng papa ko at gusto niya maxado ang statwa ni rizal), pero nag insist ako na dun na lang sa moa.. para mapanood ang sunset. and damn!

it was breath-taking.

(i''ll post pictures next time... i'm that zzzzzz....)

and on other matters, tama bitaw si Jessica Zafra. Holy Week is the best time to go to Manila... if you can't keep a cool head with all the hassle and heat :))

actually, ang tawag dito ay jitters and caffeine kicking in. ka-hindi ko alam anong mangyari bukas, and they day after tomorrow, and the day that follows the day after tomorrow... and shet.

good night na uy, so senseless i am. :]]

Good.

2009-04-12T00:40:00.003+08:00

DATE: April 10, 2009 - Good Friday

TIME: gabi na.

We didn't go to Quiapo.

Apparently, in Metro Manila, Good Friday is the only time that you feel it's Holy Week. No tricycles. No Jeeps. The expressway's bare. Not even a thing called traffic.

And you don't get to Quaipo from Manila by just walking. Haha.

So my mom forced both of us to just come along with them (the family friendsssss) to Makati. Which I gladly did after knowing that it's in Makati. Hahahaha. By 1, we arrived at Sanctuario de San Antonio Parish (and the Parish Priest says that with this cooool accent. :))) We were just in time to hear the 7 last words, and 7 sharings by 7 people... 1 of them included...

Jose Mari Chan. Who has a good voice. Even if he's not singing.

Then we went home. Then I'm typing this. Then.

I end. Because. I have to. :]

Oh, did I mention the parish is airconditioned? First timer kay ning buhrrrr. :]

Manila, Day One

2009-04-12T00:27:00.002+08:00

DATE: April 9, 2009

TIME: 9pm

We arrived at a family friend’s house in Paranaque at around 2:30 pm. After settling down and eating an uber-late lunch, my dad had to go back to the old airport to have his ticket re-booked. Knowing I would do nothing but sulk around, I decided to come along with him.

Unlike my past PSDC experiences, our trip today had didn’t have the luxury of private cars and obedient drivers. Today, I plunged right in into a mess of drivers both bigot and taking-advantage of our unfamiliarity, and the chaos of Manila itself – even if the city’s supposed to be quiet and prayerful. But in spite of my clutter and utter confusion, I found my comfort in the finest accent of Manila. The Tagalog voices and varied tones of the drivers and passengers make me trust them - that the dangerous Metro Manila I've heard of is almost nonexistent.

But not the Taxi drivers. No. Not them.

LOL. So after arriving at the Zest Air office (which involved a mixture of running, jogging, brisk walking, and jumping off the jeepneys), we decided to go to Mall of Asia. But during our stop-over at a nearby McDonalds’ branch (which were 2, and we really had a hard time picking which branch, haha), we learned from the guard that all SM branches were closed. How. Unfortunate.

So, we decided to go back. While I expected a short, easy and boring trip (since I’ve been this far – what else could go wrong?), I was given the exact opposite...

First, I didn’t know that beggars in Manila are extremely creative and damned artistic. Take for example this kid we met during a ride to Sucat. This kid – who I’m not even sure if is a boy or a girl because while he/she looked like a girl, he/she acted so grotesque and macho that he/she seemed like a boy. (See. Artistic.) Perhaps the element of confusion strategically attracted us passengers to him/her. Anyway, this kid, who refers to him/herself as “Marot” sat down at the edge of the jeep and started singing some “Marot songs”. Apparently, Marot is his/her tribal origin – which one of the passengers’ parallelized to being Badjao. Heck, he even called Marot a Badjao. LOL.

Marot was not contented with the boisterous songs s/he played, so s/he started walking along the narrow aisle in the jeep and started dancing. And I mean the almost-dirty-slow-dancing. Marot then poked my dad and asked for money because he/she saw him holding a 50-peso bill. The passengers were all suddenly addressing him/her to stop, apparently scandalized by this kid’s disturbing act.

So in order to stop Marot, my dad took a coin from his pocket. The first that he got was a 25-centavo coin. Marot saw this and screamed, “AGUUUUUUY! Wag yang bentesingko. AGUUUUY. Singkwenta hawak mo o.” (Aba, maarte pa. Hahahaha.) Then other passengers decided to give her coins anyway until Papa finally found a peso. At the next stop, the driver told him/her to go down, which surprisingly, s/he did.

The ride was so damn long, and the place looked more and more strange. Deep down, I knew we took the wrong route. When we finally saw SM Sucat, we went off. That was when I knew my dad confused SM Sucat to SM Bicutan. Haha. His suggestion was to go back to the point of origin – Baclaran. It was not as if we had a choice. Haha.

While we were on our way to Baclaran, we stopped over some sakayan. While waiting for other passengers, I looked around until I saw something strange with the jeep right in front. There was a kid dancing, and I mean the almost-dirty-slow-dancing, with the same ragged yellow shorts... There was Marot, victimizing other passengers. :]]

Anyways, it was already dark when we reached Roxas Boulevard – all bright and crowded. Across the highway, I could see Mall of Asia, and I wanted to go there badly, but obviously... Haha. So we decided to eat dinner, and just go home afterwards. After eating, we looked for a jeep that would take us to… some sakayan, but in doing so, we finally found the Baclaran Church. Papa and I both decided to pray and hear mass – both in observance of the holy week, and well, to pray that we could go home… or at least, find the right jeep next time around. Hahaha. Whatever the case is, the prayers did work, and we rode to this another unfamiliar street, climbed up to those blue-and-pink-the-color-combinations-i-utterly-hate-deep-inside MMDA overpasses and found a jeep whose route is SM. Bicutan.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh. Riding to SM Bicutan was consoling. Indeed, the comfort of the familiarity gives you the illusion that you are safe, that you know you’re right. Even if it's just 1 city out of the 17.

I more and more understand the complexities of Sir Simpao’s deeply discussed topic: Comfort Zone.

Let me sleep now. My dad says he’d like to take me to Quiapo tomorrow. Riding jeeps only. Oh yeah. :]

Extremely Unnecessary

2009-04-12T00:22:00.003+08:00

DATE: April 9, 2009

TIME: around 1pm :]

I’m directly above Visayas waters, typing like a crazy ignorant.

I purposely did not leave any departing blog – contrary to my usual pre-departure traditions. Not only did I want to leave myself puzzled with that obnoxious, self-destructive post, I wanted to refrain from posting just for the sake of having something published. I didn’t really have anything to say back then, and well, I couldn’t force my creative Zen to make something up.

Actually, I’m also banking on the different environment here. Clouds to my left, empty chairs to my right (yes, as lucky as we can get, the plane’s not jam-packed with people. I have all the privacy I can get), Basawa Island down below (as informed by my almost-geographer dad) - all these help my mind get into working. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I discovered that I like blogging in extreme conditions. Case in point, I usually blog early dawn, and most of the time, I get my Eureka! Moments in jeepney rides. Now, the lower pressure here thousands of miles above sea level gives a different perspective to my rusty stressed brain. Maybe I should start studying on plane rides... how nerdy. :]]

Shut up Ells, you can't even matter load up here.

I feel like I just need new perspectives. In my last few days in Davao, I felt like I was in a carousel, going around the same pole, seeing the same horses around, and riding the cute little pony when I’m all too big for it. Perhaps this airplane ride is an eye-opener trigger for me… I just feel I can write. Again. Not just of secret love bugs, but really talk. And be Elliknorr. :]

However, I’m gonna keep this short. The clouds and I are gonna watch Sa Mata Ni Salvi. :]

Ciao.

then we start anew.

2009-04-11T22:44:00.002+08:00

why change lay-out?

well, the previous was too... emo. and emo is my alter-ego.

why are the rest of the blog posts gone? did you delete them?

thanks for the concern. [i wish] well, they are gone, but not for good. let's just say i hid them, and i added others... whose thoughts and inspirations are owned by my alter-ego. the last post just proved that some words run deeper, that they must be expressed fully. not in codes. not in figurative language.

are you a bird?

i wish i could fly.

why is your mouth twitched at that awkward angle?

oh. that's me humming. :]]

what's this?

this post? it's a FAQ. frequently assumed queries. :]

when will you go back to Piedras Platas, Mt. Tabor?

may 25. scheduled. :]]

who are you really?

a flower quickly fading.